The Sims is a life-simulation strategy game franchise that I have been playing on-and-off since childhood. Sometime last year, in the throes of another hyperfixation on the game, I realized I had some severe dissonance between how I was living my life and how I wanted to live my life, but didn't quite know exactly what I wanted. And I thought to myself - you know, I probably play The Sims the way I want to live my life. A sort of unconscious proxy, you see. So I decided to open up the game with a critical eye for how I guide my Sims to live their lives.

It was obviously very different from my own life, a realization that distressed me. For starters, my Sims basically never use electronics; I actively push them away from computers, TVs, video games, and phones. At the time I did this little experiment, screens were basically all I spent my time on. I knew I hated it, and I started making changes. I got rid of my smart phone, and I have been playing fewer and fewer video games. I still watch YouTube almost daily (which is TV, let's be real) and far far too many of my hobbies are still on the computer. I don't mind that some of my creative hobbies are on the computer, and there are some things I like that require one - you could program on paper, those wonderful women who got the Apollo mission to the moon did, but I'd rather not - but I don't want all my time spent here.

As an extension of that, my Sims also spend a lot of time outside. Anywhen I can get away with it, basically (which is much easier, but much less charming, without the Seasons packs that have been a staple since The Sims 2). I like to spend my time outside, but I never spend as much of it outside as I would like. I go for walks and bike rides, take my lunch in the park, but inevitably I am indoors. I think this is related to spending so much time on the computer - I need to be near power outlets and wifi. Which means, the more analog my hobbies, the easier it is to get outside. The cycle becomes obvious.

Am I engaging in more analog hobbies? Sort of. I have a long history of exercising for months and then… not exercising for months. I've gotten more interested in making art in traditional media, though I haven't really pulled the trigger on that beyond architectural sketching. I have gotten back into reading, though - which I never really stopped doing but now I'm spending more time with physical books.

And let's be real, placing the onus on myself, making it seem like a personal failing, is not the whole story. I spend most of my day in a chair, inside, in front of a screen because that's what my job entails. That is office work, plain and simple. And I hate it.

Sims almost never have traditional jobs unless I have a specific one I'm interested in pursuing. Inevitably they will be freelancers, inventors, artists, gardeners, business-owners, or in a profession that allows great flexibility in how they spend their time. And yet, traditional, hourly-wage and 9-to-5 salary jobs are all I've ever done for money. This seems to me the biggest discrepancy between my ideal life and my current life.

And this is the tear I hope to mend next.

I have seen an obvious need in my community that I am capable of fulfilling, and I am in the process of writing up the business plan and making connections to get it rolling. This is huge, but it is not all. I intend to work my other skills to fund my basic needs. I have begun selling creative works online - just that one table-top RPG for now, but definitely more coming in the future. I'd like to write a nonfiction book. I'd like to develop one, maybe two video games. I want to start installing solar and water collectors around my community. I want to invent, to engineer, to dream into existence so many things. I want to make it all a better place, and I can do that if I get the hell out of the expected wage labor cycle.

This turned a little ranty. Brain working too fast for the fingers.

The point is! I see the end goal, and from there I can work backwards to walk the path forward. So thank you, the Sims, for allowing my subconscious mind to direct my un-self-aware self toward the awareness I need to be what I want to be.

I'm going to be sharing more about this as I work on it.